Rikku Kills Hentai
by Al Kristopher
Summary: A delightfully nonsensical romp through every conceivable hentai scenario imagineable leaves our beloved Al Bhed a little...irritated. Part satire, part farce, total weirdness. Warning: contains everything.


RIKKU **kills **HENTAI

Made with some effort by Al Kristopher

__

For hentai lovers everywhere.

Once upon a time, Rikku was feeling mighty proud of herself for getting thru the Thunder Plains alive and in a very fast record time, as well!! She wasn't the fastest Al Bhed out there, but when it came to running from Lightning and such, her feet moved at inhuman speeds--naked to all but the most powerful eyes and binoculars! So she was happy and singing a song in her native language--all made up, naturally, and incredibly off-key. She was still cute, though.

Suddenly, from out of nowhere, an octopus appeared!!!!!!?

"Gyaa haaa haa, what's this?" it growled in its growly octopus voice. "Why, a cute little schoolgirl blonde, walking all the way from Thunder Plains by herself! Mwahaha, let's have some fun, boys!"

"And he never once let me butt in to scream or verify its octopusness," muttered Rikku to herself. She then took a deep breath and shouted in a louder voice, "Oh no! An octopus!!"

"Yes! Gyaa haa haa!" said the octopus in a laughy, loud, still growly octopus voice. "I am an octopus and a horny one! Must have bad hentai sex with the naughty schoolgirl who strayed too far from the homeland class!"

"Yeek, and he speaks terrible Engrish, too!" she exclaimed with disgust. "Whoa, Mr. Octopus, what's your name?"

"Huh? Name? What, foolish girl! I need no introduction time! For today I am simply a sex machine who was destined to locate a blonde schoolgirl and ravage her nubile self to pieces!"

"Imagine my luck," she groaned, wearing a plastic smile as she scratched her neck in embarrassment. "But seriously, I can't keep on calling you Mr. Octopus all day."

"Well, let's just make my name Ultros so this becomes a crossover," muttered the octopus, who suddenly turned purple and familiar. Rikku screamed. Then she spoke normally?

"Well, at least you're not the Kraken or Octomamm. People will actually recognize your name from the old school files. But why do you want to have sex with me, O ye receptionist squid of violet hues and silly quotes?"

"Duh!" he exclaimed, baring many teeth of sharp rudeness, even for an octopus. "I've got tentacles and you're nubile. Kawaii, even! All you need is a fuku and this can easily become a scene of hentai which will no doubt delight sick minds everywhere, except in France."

"I will NOT allow that to happen!!!!!" declared Rikku with a mighty shout. She ran towards Ultros and KICKED him right in his purple face, sending him screaming halfway across the world.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" he screamed. He vanished into the sky with a twinkle, and was not seen again. Rikku did her cute victory dance and gave a smile of satisfied happiness which will make people envy her kawaii nature.

"Yahoo, I killed Ultros! Or at least disposed of him in a comic manner! But what kinda bad stuff was going thru his brain when he mentioned all that hentai tentacles stuff? Octopi should know better than that!" Unfortunately they don't, but Rikku was quite safe for the moment, but still in danger as she was too cute and schoolgirlish for her own good--even in an Al Bhed uniform. And let's not mention that diving suit she wore in the beginning!!

Anyway, with Ultros safely disposed of (humorously, no less), Rikku was free to walk wherever she wanted, oftentimes defying geography just to reach her destination quicker than others. She went thru the Thunder Plains and now she was in Besaid, where most of her friends lived. There was Wakka, bouncing a blitzball off his orange head, and Rikku was hypnotized by that funny little curl of hair that he had. It seemed to defy gravity just as she could defy geography. She couldn't help but wonder what they could overcome together.

"Yo Rikku!" said Wakka suddenly. The blitzball was immediately forgotten and perhaps lost in a sad little vortex somewhere. "Lissen, you crazy Al Bhed heathen," he continued, directing his Wakka Is Now Pissed At Something Finger straight towards the blonde, "I don't like you and you don't like me, ya? Therefore, we gonna obey da teachin's a Yevon and have sex!"

"…Huh?" she squealed, tilting her head in a lethally adorable manner. Wakka growled.

"Lissen! Don' make me repeat meself, ya? All I'm sayin' is dat since you don't like me and I don't like you--"

"But I like you, Wakka," she said with a smile. He grunted.

"Hmph. Well, I'll pretend you don't for the sake a' convenience. Anyway, the teachings of Yevon say dat when two people who hate each other get together, eventually, they gotta have sex."

"…Whoa!" she blurted, obviously flushed (and not a toilet in sight!). "Um, Wakka, what have I told you about taking the teachings of Yevon too literally?"

"Uh… I dunno," he admitted. "But anyway, I really can't stand the Al Bhed. And you're one a' them! So we gotta have strange hentai sex to appease some weirdo goofball fan out dere dat gets their kicks outta it, ya?"

Poor Rikku allowed her brow to twitch and her brain to bubble as she absorbed his nonsense.

"Wakka," she said with a calming voice of speech, "you're completely batty, you know." The Besaid native simply laughed, as if he were proud of it, and suddenly got that strange weird goofy kinda creepy grin on his face that was totally out of character but fine for hentai manga. Rikku sighed, and even though she didn't really want to, she knew she had to get rid of silly Wakka before he could turn a perfectly good day into a naughty little romp.

"I will NOT allow that to happen!!!!!" declared Rikku with a mighty shout. She ran towards Wakka and KICKED him right in his face, sending him screaming halfway across the world.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" he screamed. He vanished into the sky with a twinkle, and was not seen again. Rikku did her cute victory dance and gave a smile of satisfied happiness which will make people envy her kawaii nature.

"I killed Wakka! Or at least his strange desire to initiate a hentai scene! Boy, two in one day--two in one _hour!_ I'm either on a roll or totally doomed! Who knows, maybe both?" Rikku shrugged cutely, and tried resuming her journey. Suddenly, she ran into Tidus, who was just stepping out of the shower!!!!!!!!?

"Whoa! Ouch! Hey, watch where you're going, you half-naked quirk who wears green towels to conceal his desirable waist!"

"I know you are, but what am I?!" spat back said quirk in his usual immature voice. Rikku blinked.

"Huh?"

"Uh… never mind. So Rikku!"

"Yeah?"

"You wanna dispose of my formalities?"

"Ewww!" she winced. "Tidus, not you too!"

"What! We've known each other for awhile now! Why not? I'm hot, you're hot, let's do something we'd normally not!"

"No way, man!" she squealed helplessly. "I'm not like that! Besides, I thought you liked Yunie!"

"Well… I do," he managed in a voice that didn't speak like it was very sure of itself, nor the throat from which it came, or even the ear it was aimed at. Phooey! "But… you know… I'm not married. I can look around. She won't have to know. We could… do it in the bushes!"

"Eww, no way! Sounds like a hentai! That's what Wakka wanted, too!"

"Wakka, huh? Is he still around? Maybe we can have a threesome?"

"EWW, definitely no way, and more, and then some!" she shrieked with much Rikku-powered violence. "I didn't want one guy groping after me and I certainly don't want two!" Tidus gave her a big Zanarkand-style, blitzball-jock, crybaby irresistible-to-fan-girls pout, his eyes watering and his voice squealing.

"But… there'd be shounen-ai in it for you, too!"

"Yuck, no way!" she winced. Tidus frowned.

"Huh? You not a yaoi fan? Are you _sure_ you're a girl??" Silly Tidus leaned forward to "check and see" if his friend really was… who she said she was. Rikku snarled and balled her fist up as an anime-style cross appeared on her forehead, signifying intense anger and throbbing veins pulsating with madness.

"I will NOT allow that to happen!!!!!" she declared with a mighty shout. She ran towards Tidus and KICKED him right in his face, sending him screaming halfway across the world.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" he screamed. He vanished into the sky with a twinkle, and was not seen again. Rikku did her cute victory dance--again--and gave a smile of satisfied happiness--again--which will make people envy her kawaii nature--perhaps.

"This is getting old!" she sighed. "What's next? Or should I say, who's next?"

"I'm next," said Auron calmly, coming from out of nowhere (he and Ultros met earlier and exchanged blows, but unfortunately, Chupon was also there to sneeze, and Auron did not have his shots yet). Rikku recoiled quite a distance as she gawked at him.

"YOU?!" she all but belted. "That's totally just plain wrong! I don't even like you! You're a rotting old man, stiff as stone and about as exciting as peeled wallpaper! You might be cool, but that doesn't help one bit!"

"So you like me."

"No! It's sick! You're, like, a bajillion years older than me!"

"Twenty-one, I believe."

"Blech, that's even worse!" she snarled, sticking her tongue out with disgust. She made a face, then threw it to him in hopes of slapping him and thusly, forcing him down upon the dirt road (of Besaid, no less) where he would lay and NOT disturb her as she walked merrily and did other things, that which she planned henceforth after exiting the Thunder Plains.

"Don't knock it until you try it," he said calmly, stepping closer to her. Rikku snarled and prepared to do the same thing all over again. She tried not using quite as much enthusiasm, seeing as how she was nearly out of it and the stores were charging twice as much.

"I will not allow that to happen," said Rikku with a deadpan shout. She trudged towards Auron and prepared to hit him.

"You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses, would you?" he asked. She snarled and crossed her arms. He shrugged. "Sorry. It was obligatory of me to ask." Rikku sighed and slapped the flat end of her palm in his face, breaking his glasses and sending him screaming halfway across the world--despite how weak and halfhearted her attack was.

"AH!" he screamed, choosing the short version instead. Auron vanished into the sky with a twinkle, and was not seen again. Rikku sighed wearily, nearly plopping to the floor in exhaustion. She decided to step indoors, since her outdoor presence made her similar to a hentai magnet where every conceivable thing, person, and scenario would be sucked in and successfully blown out.

"Kimahri not through yet," said that tall blue Ronso, appearing from out of nowhere (he got lost soon after running into Auron and Ultros, but learned Big Guard first) inside the small Besaid building. Rikku groaned.

"Kimahri, what do you want?"

"Rikku know," replied the Ronso. "Kimahri want bestiality."

"Not you too!" she whined. The Ronso nodded solemnly, so Rikku had little choice but to send him away. With but a single silent flick of her finger, she sent the mighty master of the big, long, powerful spear crashing right through the roof, delighting Freudian image finders who have nothing better to do than to pick apart every sexual innuendo inside little bitty stories. Yes indeed! With Kimhari killed, or at least his hentai spirit (which was decidedly more lame than anyone else's), Rikku fell on the cushy Besaid bed (which appeared by magic from a different locality where Auron, Ultros, and Kimahri were) and fell asleep.

-----

Rikku woke up the next morning--and depending on what time of day you readers thought she actually went to sleep, the poor girl could've been out of it for hours--and decided to recharge her humor juices and go for another walk. She was sure that after expelling the likes of Ultros, Wakka, Tidus, Auron, and Kimahri, nothing else would really happen to her that day except when the terrible Yevon's Witnesses came around, and then she would have to knock them into next Tuesday or suffer a weird and uncalled for hentai scene. Because everyone wants sex.

Now Rikku stepped outside and as always, it was sunny and warm. She stretched, managing to look unfathomably cute without even trying, and thus turned on her hentai magnet for the day. She was officially doomed; a whole entire group of faceless, dark-skinned men, only their waists visible to Rikku's swirly green Al Bhed eyes, advanced upon her. They were promptly sent into the stratosphere as Rikku made her standard declaration of not allowing bad sex scenes to happen.

And after that, a big spaceship came down and beamed Rikku up. …Yes, it came from out of nowhere as well, you happy? There. Now, the aliens tied Rikku up and were about to make her naked so they could stick all kinds of phallic probes everywhere, but of course the heroine of this story would NEVER allow that to happen! No sir! Rikku broke out of her chains and clobbered all of the aliens in a clobbery violent manner that oftentimes left them quite motionless and even bruised, sometimes flying out of their spaceship and into… oh, let's say, the sun. Yes, that will do.

So Rikku was set free where everything returned to normal, and finally she was allowed to walk. Rikku went all the way to Luca on her own two feet, which would've been miraculous for anyone except she could defy geography--with her cuteness! Once in Luca, Rikku found herself smiling and wishing for a nice milkshake and a kitten. She got both, but certainly not in the way she was expecting. Lulu and Yuna walked up to her, both somehow being in the vicinity with simultaneous action.

"Hello, Rikku," said Lulu.

"Hello, Lulu," said Rikku.

"Hello, Rikku," said Yuna.

"Hello, Yuna," said Rikku.

"Hello, Yuna," said Lulu.

"Hello, Lulu," said Rikku.

"Hello, Lulu," said Yuna.

"Hello, Rikku," said Lulu.

"Hello, Yuna," said Lulu.

"Hello, Yuna," said Rikku.

"Hello, Rikku," said Lulu.

"Hello, Yuna," said Yuna.

"Hello, Rikku," said Lulu.

"Hello, Lulu," said Lulu.

"Hello, Rikku," said Yuna.

"Hello, Yunlurikku," said John.

"Well, now that everyone knows each other, let's have some fun," purred Lulu, stroking Rikku's face softly. Rikku gave the older woman her standard smile of killer kawaii happiness that no person can resist or hope to do otherwise.

"Oh? You mean like carnivals and games and beating up clowns?"

"S… something like that," she hissed thoughtfully. Yuna smiled and hugged her cousin from behind.

"Yes. We're all going to have fun. All three of us. You know, Rikku, you've asked me about Lulu before, but she's asked me about you a lot. She likes you, Rikku--she likes you a _lot_."

"She does?" grinned the only blonde of the bunch (what's a hentai without scores of blondes? British porn). Yuna nodded.

"Mm. She's blushing right now. Lulu probably wants me to be quiet, since I'm talking about you." Right then, Rikku noticed that yes, her elder was a bit more red in the face, which was quite noticeable since mostly she was pale or else in a box. Lulu smiled.

"Ah, yes, well, ah… she's just so cute and bright… I mean it both ways--very sunny and intelligent. I do like you, Rikku."

"That's sweet!" exclaimed the young girl, yet still she was unwarily vague of where Yuna's hands traveled. Just then, Rikku's broad intelligence--and compared to Tidus, every one of them has great wisdom and massive power of brain thought which will crush gnomes on a whim--the very same knowledge that Lulu spoke of so dear, suddenly erupted.

"Nuuuu!" she mewed. Rikku broke free of Yuna's embrace and distanced herself, acting as if a thunder demon had introduced itself (and in this case, made a hentai advance on her!). "Not again! I thought I was over this! You two want to start a hentai scene with me, don't you?"

Yuna and Lulu exchanged glances.

"Frankly, yes," said the mage with a wave of her hand. Rikku scorched out her next phrase.

"Ohh, that's just _great!_ I thought I've seen everything, and now here I run into shoujo-ai! If I wasn't into tentacles, enemy-love, impulse-love, threesomes, May-October romances, bestiality, gang-rape, or body probing, what makes you think I'm into HLS?"

"I dunno," shrugged Lulu. "But we need to have a girl-on-girl scene in order to complete the hentai circle. It's only fair. Now come here, you sexy little minx!"

"Nuuuu, minx has rabies!" And with that, Rikku kicked Lulu in the head, sending her flying into the atmosphere, where she was lost in a flicker of light and gone to who knows where. Rikku felt squeamishly victorious, somehow, after disposing of the uncharacteristically horny woman. Then she turned to Yuna, and felt worse.

"Yunie… please tell me you're not into all this hentai stuff."

"Sorry, Rikku," shrugged the summoner. "Incest is a pretty big field in hentai. Come on, give it a try! Incest is the best, so put your cousin to the test!"

"Mew, no way!" squealed poor Rikku. She swung her arms backward and let them fly, smacking Yuna good like a ball of wound string and rubber which wooden sticks strike to make homes run and bases loaded, wherein she verily flew heavenward and landed amongst clouds, vanishing in the usual established flickering light. Rikku then turned around and roared to everyone in general.

"WHO ELSE WANTS SOME?! HUH!!!!!"

Nobody was brave enough, stupid enough, or horny enough to try. She took a big breath and sighed.

"Whew, finally! Maybe now I can get stuff done!" Rikku walked down the path that had been established for her once ago, briefly, and came wherein to a door of wooden oak foundation, which was discovered upon opening, except inside was a room. She found a boy there, younger than her but just as cute, or so many considered. He smiled and waved.

"Oh, hello. I'm Riku."

"Huh? Hey, I'm Rikku too! I'm from Al Bhed! Where are you from?"

"Destiny Islands. You know, I know Tidus and Wakka."

"Oh yeah, so that's where I recognize you from!" Rikku smiled warmly, and gave Riku a hug. Riku smiled, and looked deep into the eyes of the girl who shared his name.

"You know," he said casually, "it would be incredibly kinky if we had a hentai scene going on right here." Rikku (from Al Bhed) smiled and blushed furiously, and in spite of being the unfortunate target of many hentai fiends, she just couldn't say no to her… well, counterpart.

"I agree! Let's do it!" Riku and Rikku squealed, and dove into a convenient bed that was nearby so they could achieve hasty acquaintance.

THE **end**

"Rikku? Rikku, where are you?" Paine looked everywhere she could think of, and yet the loveable Al Bhed blonde was nowhere to be found. The mysterious mistress sighed and shouldered her weapon. "Gosh, where did everybody go? Did I miss something? I'm all alone out here. I wanted to ask Rikku if she'd be interested in an orgy. Hmm…" Paine walked on, continuing to look for her friend, unaware of the fate that awaited her should success answer the door when she gave it the knock of inquiries.


End file.
